Taser for the Wife!

Alittle Long but REALLY FUNNY!!!!

This is hysterical. Read the WHOLE thing Pocket Taser Stun Gun,
a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do it dumba**," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A B****... That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.