It has been awhile since we have had a joke topic.. so here's a few jokes to start whit.. for your amusement..
Nothing better than starting the day whit a laugh!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
Split Up The Middle
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."