This one has been around some time, especially on the force. It's still a good one I think.
A police officer notices a man driving erratically on the interstate. He signals for the driver to pull over. When he reaches the driver's side door, the officer finds it obvious that the man has been drinking.
"Sir I'll need you to take a breathalyzer test." The man replies, "I can't do that officer. If I blow that hard into the device, I'll have an asthma attack, I'm an asthmatic."
"Well then I'll need you to give me a urine sample." To this, the man says, "I can't do that either sir. I'm a diabetic, it would lower my sugar too much and send me into shock."
The officer thinks for a moment. "All right, I'll need you to come to the station and give some blood." The man says, "I can't officer, I'm a hemophiliac. If I get cut, my blood won't clot and I could die."
The officer is getting upset, and says, "Well dammit, then get out of the car and walk this white line. The man says, "I can't do that either officer."
The officer barks, "Why the hell not?"
To this, the man replies, "Because I'm drunk." :ninja:
And finally, one of my personal favorites before I go.
This chart should clear up who is the best, rankwise, in the modern military. In other words, who REALLY wins the wars for us... :ninja:
General: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonal: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lt. Colonel: Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding B-B, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major: Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occaisionally addressed by God.
Captain: Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggy paddle, and talks to animals.
1st Lieutenant: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
2nd Lieutenant: Trips over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol and mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (all grades): Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water at a glance. He is God.