The forum I usually post any good jokes I find/think of on is down.... So i
thought I'd flood this forum xD
WARNING: I do like Dumb Blonde / Dumb Guy jokes, have a strange sense of humour, and think trading insults can be taken to an art form if done for mutal fun
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
OR: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
What does a blonde owl say?
What do you call a zit on a blonde's bum?
A brain tumor.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
How do blonde brain cells die?
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just dyed her hair.
OR: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Blondes on top
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You're up to four heart attacks a day.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they were both killed by a train.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
You Might Be A Computer Nerd If ...
your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas
Dilbert is your hero
you introduce your wife as "firstname.lastname@example.org"
you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
Pick up line comebacks !
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?
Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman:Why aren't you thin?
Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat." The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again. The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."
Locked Her Keys In The Car A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door." "Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that." A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car
You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....
your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
your firehouse has wheels.
you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.
We used to call it "recess." Today they call it "cease fire."
The Bible Studies course has been recently changed to "Theories in Mass Hypnosis 101." Surprisingly no one seems to have noticed.
College would be great if it weren't for all the classes.
Im failing geometry because I refuse to believe that pie are squared.
Someone died of a brain aneurism today while taking a standardized test. The last thing anyone saw him do was stand up, pull all his hair out and yell, ABACADABA!! ABACADABA!!!!
I think Ill skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I dont want to know about.
The school board decided to remove speech and debate from the course schedule; there was no argument.
Our school is very low-budgeted; our physics book is so out of date the last chapter deals with combustion.
School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blood-drives.
Today in Art class we were going to paint a nude model, but the teacher sent her to the office for violating dress code.
Fifth graders in Texas are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. But even the worms won't eat the Salisbury steak.
Today in English we learned absolutely nothing about killing mockingbirds.
I went to a tough high school. In biology we used to dissect custodians.
To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill, dedication, and an immunity to knock-knock jokes.
School is where you always try to do your best-except when your friends are watching.
Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnt need it.
Back-to-school sales get me all excited. Of course, pretty much any sale gets me all excited.
School is very important. Everyone should get at least a high school education--even if they already know everything.
You know our education system has problems when Hallmark comes out with a new line of "Easy-to-read" graduation cards.
My kids have everything they need to go back to schoolexcept the right attitude.
The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. The worst part is that your teachers wont let you talk to them.
Top 10 Ways to Tell that You're a New Dad
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in...babysitting?"
And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.
Some Cannibal Shorties
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other:"Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals were sitting beside the fire after a sumptuous meal. One turned to the other and siad:"Your wife sure makes a good roast."
"Yeah, I'm really going to miss her."
What is the title of the best-selling cannibal book?
"How To Serve Your Fellow Man."
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
Did you hear about the cannibal student who was suspended from school for buttering up his teacher?
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant where dinner costs an arm and a leg?
Two cannibals were eating dinner. One said:"I really hate my sister."
The other said:"Well, just eat the noodles."
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . . HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
// Trust me, just don't ask
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Eschew obfuscation. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! 7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
And the number one Biblical saying of mothers is:
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!
and last but not least
// Good thing I'm not a Dad lol
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
1. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
2. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of them for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
No jokes left for us to share...
Who removed the RSM's gag?
Capt, catch him and put him back under the stairs please.
Lt_Col WIZ, VC, MiD (Ret)
Ooo heehe hahaha they are coming to take me away Ooo heheh ahhaha !
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Hide her hairbrush.
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
So you can park in the handicapped spaces.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
She fell out of a Tree
What did the blonde say after her boyfriend blew in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill."
What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call a circle of blondes?
A dope ring
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine."
Why did the blonde have a hard time making Kool-Aid?
She couldn't get all the water in the little packet
Why couldn't the blonde make ice-cubes?
She didn't have the recipe.
What is a blonde's mating call?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the brunette's mating call?
"Have the blondes left yet?"
What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner?
An air pocket.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
If a blonde and a brunette fell from a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did the blonde get 17 other people together to see a movie?
Because "under 18" was prohibited.
Why do blondes poof their hair so high?
To catch everything that goes over theirs heads.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
Her husband died.
What does a blonde say in the morning
"Who ARE you guys?"
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
13. One to make the batter, and twelve to peel the M&M's.
What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
Why do blondes drive BMW's?
Because they can spell it.
What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.
Why was the blonde happy when she finished the puzzle in a week?
The box said "3-5 years."
What is the difference of gross ignorance?
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
People have seen UFO's.
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the W's.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to alphabetize the M&M's.
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?", the doctor asked.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, just no, I just paid $40,000 for these.
Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $24,000 to get my teeth straightened. Then
I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in
the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Did you hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look, they spelled MACY'S wrong."
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never
been better! "he boasted. "I've married an 18 year old blonde who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. When he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."replied the doctor.
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - - *poof*
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours, they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.
How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
She got run over by the Zamboni.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Tell her the drinks are on the house.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of
her body with her finger she says,
"Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck
hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The docters asks, "Did you dye your hair?"
Yes,I did," she replies with a frown.
The doctor asks, "Were you a Blonde?"
"Yes I was. Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to
rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the
tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail,
counting, "22" "22" "22".
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Blonde With A Gun
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Helpless, At Best
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to
catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down.
She Was So Blond
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
she studied for a blood test - and failed.
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
she sold the car for gas money.
when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around he home, she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put "Sagittarius".
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
One or Two Pieces?
One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.
The blond thought a bit and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."
Two blond builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blond couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blond explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
No offense to any Blondes out there but its my one of my three favorite classes of jokes
I HAVENT GOT TIME TO READ ALL THAT ! ! ! ! !
Head of Recruitment & Tactical Training
GCHQ - 22nd SAS Elite Virtual Regiment
holy crap i read about half of the original post.... saw the next couple were just as long. and said **** that and went on to play Swat 4 lol
Captain!!!!..........Catch that arachnid
Lt_Col WIZ, VC, MiD (Ret)
12:00: It take several beers to read all thoose jokes.
14:00: *Hik, going to bed, damn they are all good jokes*
Remembering the Snakes on the Plane movie...
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
War. War never changes...
Now, like everyone whos visited this thread, i didnt read em all, but i do glance back over them once in a while there are some good ones guys.
Noli Mi Tangere!!! Don't Tread On Me!!!