Joke compilation!

As you know I have a better sense of humour than you guys So I have made a thread for you to post all your jokes! (It does say ''Got a good Joke?'' Under the forum description)

Please keep it clean (by all meanings of the word) so I don't get punished
I'll put any good ones onto this post (If I remember to check)

I'll start:

Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the army you'll be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" The private replied, "After I get out of the army I ain't never gonna stand in line again!"

Why is it that when we talk to god we're said to be praying, but when god talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

I'd like to be reincarnated as an oyster, then I'd only have to be good from September until April.

I've taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

Probably the worst thing about being a Jew at Christmas time is going shopping, because the lines are so long. They should have a Jewish express line: "Look, I'm a Jew, it's not a gift. It's just some toilet paper!"

A man walked into a church and was met by a sign placed by the janitor. It read: WET FLOOR - PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was looking for a chicken

I saw a car with a bumper sticker reading: JESUS IS MY BEST FRIEND.
Man, his dog must be pissed!

Little Old Lady: "Is that your dog outside?"
Man: "Yeah, so what?"
Lady: "Well, my cat just killed it."
Man: "Ha! How could your cat kill my dog?"
Lady: "It got stuck in it's throat!"

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

I wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A dyslexic walks into a Bra...