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A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You''re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
"You bastard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
"You''re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer," says the judge.
"Bastard!" the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, one more outburst and I''ll charge you with contempt."
"I''m sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "but I''ve been this bastard''s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn''t have one."

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she''s ever cheated on him.
"I love you," she says, "but I must confess. I''ve been unfaithful to you three times."
"What?" yells the man. "When?"
"The first time was when we were denied a mortgage," she explains. "I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan."
"The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills," she says. "I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free."
"And what about the third time?" the husband demands.
"Remember when you ran for mayor," the wife begins, "and you were behind by 300 votes?"

Once again thanks to Maxim magazine for these jokes.